My Story - The Physical Effects of Generational Trauma

I have probably written over 500,000 words since my spiritual awakening in 2013. I have just written down what has happened to me. Much of this was hilarious, with me being the butt of universal jokes. I had no idea what was going on as, before 2013, I was just an average, unawake, person, so all the spiritual experiences were unexpected and confronting at times.

I knew the experiences were heading somewhere but I did not know where. So, when things happened, I just wrote them down. A note here, a few lines there, it all added up.

What I didn’t know is that all that writing had a purpose. It was building to something! That something is me opening my heart and sharing with you these very personal words, in the hope you will then understand how your subconscious beliefs create your reality. It’s about a 15 minute read.

Now I’m aware that much of this is going to sound like a giant “poor me” moan. Please understand that this is not my intention and, if you stick with it till the end, you will understand how everything that happened to me was a direct reflection of an incorrect, very early childhood, belief only recently uncovered. This incorrect belief has significantly shaped my life, health and relationships ie I created all my own misery!

So here we go, here is how I unknowingly created all the disasters in my life, we start with what I thought was true:

My mother and I had a very challenging relationship. It was always clear that she favored my brother, he could do no wrong. I, on the other hand, was never good enough.

My relationship with my mother was so challenged, that I did not talk to her for an extended period in 07/08. At this time we were looking at becoming foster parents. My mother did not agree! Mum was the self-appointed Matriarch in our extended family. She knew what everyone should be doing and was not shy saying it either. She called up Department of Community Services (DOCS) and advised them that I was a bad mother; that I loved my son but not my daughter, and that I should not be allowed to be a foster parent. I was then investigated by DOCS. I terminated our relationship at this point. During this time I tried to have a relationship with my dad, but I was informed mum had given him an ultimatum “remain married to her or have a relationship with his daughter” – he chose marriage.

Later in 2008, I decided not to continue being angry with mum, when my son was having skull surgery. I tentatively decided to include her, to some extent, in our lives. It was very strained! My mother still made every effort to poison my daughter, Jen, against me saying things like: “I will tell you why I called DOCS when you're 18, you're too young to know now”. Making out that there was some mysterious secret about me, and how horrible I was, that could only be revealed when my child was of age. I will note, when my daughter asked about this when she was 18, my mother refused to answer her and give her “the reason”.

There were many other things as well e.g. it was always a joke that my brother was always late to family events, but we would always wait to eat till he arrived. Me, on the other hand, I was normally early. One time I did arrive about 30 minutes late and everyone was eating. When I expressed surprise, I was snapped at “You were told when to be here!”. Another time we lost power in our house for days, I was doing washing at mum’s place. Before putting clothes in the machine, I took out the change in my daughter school uniform pocket, and threw it in my handbag. Mum then indicated to my daughter that I had stolen her money. There are a lot more stories, but you get the general idea.

I would be remiss if I didn’t say that there was good as well e.g. fantastic birthday parties and some financial assistance when buying a home. However, the underlying issue was, she always tried to project that there was no disparity between my brother and I but it was clear to all that there was.

My mother passed away from advanced dementia in January 2025. When she was first advised she had dementia, she was very good at hiding it, which is quite common.

In early 2020 I was completely bald and undergoing chemo. Strange timing but I had the sudden urge to take mum and dad away on a holiday. I organised a flat right next to our childhood holiday home. Jason (my partner) and I gave mum and dad the master bedroom. Tim (our son) and I took the little bedroom and Jason opted to sleep on the lounge.

After a few nights Jason told me that there was something seriously wrong with mum. Mom had been getting up every night wandering around the little flat looking for the bathroom, opening up every door, again and again, multiple times every night.

Upon returning home the whole family organised an intervention to take steps to stop mum driving. It was challenging as dad was in denial and mum was angry. Dad did agree to taking the proposed action re: vehicle, but this did not happen.

A few days later I got a call from dad at around 7pm, mum was missing. Long story short she had left home in her car at 10am and was finally found driving around the docks at Port Botany at 2am (16 hours later). During this time Facebook posts were being shared all over Sydney and police were searching. My daughter Jennifer and my partner Jason were driving all over Sydney when we got leads. I was still very unwell so stayed with dad at his home. Upon police locating mum, Jason and Jen got mum and her car. Her car had been in an accident. On the drive back, mum, who was oblivious to all the trouble, commented “it’s a lovely night for a drive”. Mum was clearly getting much worse.

The next day mum was admitted to hospital while an ACAT (aged care assessment) was done. She then went into care and was there until her passing in January 2025.

In April 2021 mum turned 80, I threw her an 80th birthday party at the Greengate Hotel in Killara. I think around 20 people were there. I wanted to give her one last big outing. My partner and I handled everything, guests, designer cake, food for all, open bar for all. We picked up the bill in it’s entirety. All of mum’s craft friends came. Also my auntie, cousin, my family, dad and my brother and his wife.

After the event my brother helped me take mum back to the nursing home where we started going through her presents with her. When we got to the last one, I said “isn't that lovely that your craft friends gave you this”. It was a beautiful wooden box with handmade chocolates inside. I was about to put it away when my mother said to me forcefully (while pointing at my brother), “NO... This man has done EVERYTHING for me, he has done EVERYTHING, he needs to get one.” My brother looked sheepishly at me and grinned, because he knew everything for the event was organised and taken care of by me.

He reached in and took some chocolate, and, as he pulled his hand out, my mother snapped the box shut quicker than anything I have ever seen.

As we left I said to my brother “Do you believe me now?” he grinned and said he can now see it. It was nice to finally have his acknowledgement.

January till 3rd April 2024 now the next part of the story is private, between my brother and I. It is an extended story but I will share what is relevant… my reactions!!! What my brother did or did not do, and whether it was justified or not justified, is not relevant. Between early 2024 and 3rd April, 2024 there were multiple occasions that I was so beyond hurt and angry with my brother. I was saying things like “YOU ARE NOT THE CHOSEN ONE”. I was so upset that anything and everything came out of my mouth. I was like a viperous snake spitting poison everywhere. I couldn’t stop! The anger oozed out of every ounce of my being. I liken it to feeling like he was standing on the top of a mountain and pushing me down so I couldn’t get to the top. The emotions would die down, I would think I had moved past it, tell friends/family that I had let it go… THEN BANG… the next instalment. Snaky Irene was back reacting to something he did. It consumed and broke me.

THE UNIVERSE STEPS IN

3rd April 2024 – I get messages from time to time from Universe / Source / God, whatever you prefer. This message was long “Look at what the April Solar eclipse means spiritually”. So, I Googled it, and this was what popped up: “By the time the solar eclipse on April 8 arrives, you’ll be prepared to release any people or situations that are holding you back to grow and evolve….” APRIL 8TH IS MY BROTHERS BIRTHDAY!

7th April 2024 – Saw something on Facebook that peeked my interest. It was about a study, involving rats, that proved generational trauma is real. The rats were in a cage, having a good rat party, probably with lots of good rat food and raunchy rat sex when, all of a sudden, the researchers infused the cage with a scent and then immediately shocked them. They then waited and bred the rats, with no more shocks or infusion of smells, for many generations.  It was then observed that, if the rat descendant’s smelled the same scent, they would immediately go into a fight or flight trauma response. I don’t know why but I ordered the book they were talking about “It Didn’t Start With You – How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We are and How to End the Cycle” by Mark Wolynn. In next few weeks I started reading a bit but stopped at the end of Chapter 2 and put it down.

24/4/24 – I read an article by Dietrich Klinghardt called “Microbes, Toxins, Unresolved Emotional Conflicts: A Unifying Theory” and was stunned, then emotional, when I read this: "The matrix is the space between the cells - the area in the body that includes the blood vessels, lymphatic vessels, autonomic nerves, fibroblasts, COLLAGEN, …….. Psychologically, the matrix is related to unresolved emotional conflicts with the mother." At the same time I was dealing with Cancer I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune condition called Scleroderma which is a COLLAGEN condition.

I had always thought my illnesses were related to my bad relationship with my mother but, no matter how hard I tried… modalities, meditation, different spiritual experiences etc., I could not reach that layer of the onion. I now knew my hunch was right - This was all related to my mother issues and the way I was treated. The reason it didn’t come up before was that other stuff needed to be cleared up first. We all have an onion with layers to heal, my mother wound was in the inner layers of my onion. How far in, I did not know…. YET.

27/4/24 - I was being worked on by a Functional Nutritional Therapy Practitioner and a Student. They were trying to find the overriding stressor in the body. This can be done by energetically testing nutrients at various points around the body and, when the overriding stressor is located, tenderness in points drop. The student working on me couldn’t get my points to reduce, they tried everything. As a last resort they went to the “emotional overriding stressor”. I positioned my hands on my body, as requested, and it released something inside. The tears flowed, they poured out, it was a flood. I left the room multiple times to compose myself. Eventually I got back on the table and all my baseline points had dropped from high to very low numbers. Bingo - The repressed emotions were affecting my health! THIS HAPPENED ON MY MOTHERS BIRTHDAY 27/4.

In the evening, I spoke to my auntie (mums sister) and told her what happened. My auntie revealed something I did not know, that mum had left me when I was 3 weeks old, to go camping for three weeks, taking my brother but not me. I was left with my grandmother (Nana). I thought that was the answer… for some reason mom didn't like me from that early age.

4/5/24 - I had arranged another chat with my auntie, as I wanted more information. She revealed more: Mum had trouble feeding me, because I had such a small mouth. I thought I knew it all then: “Mum didn't like me or feel connected to me from three weeks old because of my problem small mouth.”

6/5/24 - I drew a card asking if I was correct about the answer I had come to the day before, I drew “NO”. I was confused so then asked something like “Is it my fault, my relationship issues with mum?” and drew the card “YES”. I couldn't understand how this was, so I just left it, but I was perplexed and a little bit annoyed that it could possibly be my fault.

7/5/24 – I got to Chapter 3 in the book “It Didn’t Start With You – How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End The Cycle” I hadn’t looked at the book since a few weeks before the emotional override happened on the table on mums birthday. At the beginning of Chapter three was a section of the book that was so profound, it says: “When a mother carries inherited trauma, or has experienced a break in bond with her mother, it can affect the tender bond that’s forming with her infant, and that bond is more likely to be interrupted. The impact of an early break in the mother-child bond- an extended hospital stay, an ill-timed vacation, a long term separation – can be devastating for the infant. The deep, embodied familiarity of the mother’s smell, feel, touch, sound, and taste- everything the child has come to know and depend on- is suddenly gone…..If separation continued for a prolonged period… the response is despair… The baby gives up”. OMG I now believed I understood.

I then had a new thought “The holiday was planned for a while, but mom decided to leave me with Nana for ease. Mum left me because she had decided to stop breastfeeding, as it was difficult for her because of my small mouth. I then mistakenly believed that I was not loved and was not the chosen one”. I drew a card, asking if I was correct, and drew “YES”.

A flood of realization hit me. When she left me at 3 weeks old, I felt abandoned and wrongly thought it was my fault because of my small mouth and that she loved my brother more.

At that young age, before I even had words, I created a belief that was incorrect. I was the one who put the energy out there and I was just given experiences that validated my belief. This played out in every part of my life: “I am not the chosen one!” and “The problem was my small mouth!”

On this day I fully understood how belief creates reality. I was so young that words were not available to me, yet I still created a belief that I was not good enough and my brother was better. I then started to think about my condition, one of the big problems I have is that it greatly affects my mouth, making my small mouth smaller and hard to open a great deal. At three weeks old I had gotten it wrong. I had believed my mouth was the problem. This unconscious belief has now made my mouth even smaller with the condition Scleroderma.

11/5/24 – Laying down in the morning watching “House” on Netflex, I was falling asleep and in that state between sleep and awake. Suddenly the Universe slammed words into my being, I sat bolt upright, the words were very clear “SECOND BEST” then they were immediately replaced with a memory from when I was in my 20’s.

The memory was: I went out with a girlfriend, there was a guy at the place we were at that she knew and I thought was nice. I let him know that I was interested. He looked at me, leaned down and said quietly to me “SECOND BEST”. I had a falling out with this person after this, over another incident with a different man, and sent her a vile letter. These memories have continued coming up, lots of memories where Second Best is forefront.

Another memory was me being vile and saying horrible things to a friend I had stayed with in Queensland, when my son was very young. The holiday had been planned for some time. She had moved states to get away from a narcissistic partner. I had supported her right through the trauma. A few hours after I arrived, he turned up unannounced (from Perth to Queensland). I despised this man for what he had done to my friend. I could not hold my tongue. My friend was in a difficult position. My friend chose him over me, I was expected to excuse myself and stay quietly in the bedroom if I didn’t want to be around him, I could not do this. I left the house late at night, saying vile things, with my 6 month old child in my arms. I then wrote her a horrible letter, I now realise this was because, once again I was not chosen. We have never spoken again.

2/6/24 – Learning more about Trauma and the responses people have to it. One of the responses is over helping or trying to fix people. I’m the queen of that: having a person live with us free for 5 years; helping her buy a house and then spending the better part of 3 months weekends renovating it; spending an inordinate amount of time helping a friend run a court case; going to Fiji and spending close to $10,000 buying some local Fijian’s a motor boat because I believed they needed my help; continuing to help the Fijian’s when they ask me for money. Paying for a friend to take all her children to naturopaths. Lending my car to people in need and then having no car when I needed it. The list goes on and on.

10/6/24 – I read more of the “It didn’t start with you” book last night and this morning. It became clear that this INTERRUPTED MOTHER BOND issue was an inherited trauma, it was not just mine, it was playing out throughout my ancestors lives as well. The book shows how other inherited trauma issues, not just interrupted bond, affects people’s lives. I believe my families trauma (down the female line, to first born female in each generation) is an interrupted mother bond issue. Subsequently, through the questions in the book, I have traced it back as far as my Great Grandmother.

The book then asks you to “Visualise your mother and her history” in order to release/break the pattern you need to do this with empathy and compassion for what she went through. I did this about my mother today and for the first time I could feel empathy and could feel her pain. I wept at the unknown and unacknowledged pain she carried. The pain that she never understood. The pain that caused her to push everyone away; behave in tyrannical ways and gain attention through heath issues (many made up or highly exaggerated). The pain that destroyed our relationship and the pain that I have unknowingly passed down to my beautiful daughter, starting the cycle again with it’s own manifestations.

It’s the acknowledgement and feeling of ancestral pain that releases the energy and stops the cycle. Stopping pointing the finger at my mother and saying what a horrible person she was/is (which I have done in excess throughout my life). This is the first time I have widened my perspective to see what happened to her and to try and understand how she felt.

So now I understand how all the people in my life were just responding to my energy and reflecting back to me my unconscious belief about myself. Each time I was pushed down, looked over, not chosen, further validated my unconscious belief that I was “Second Best”. I would get violently angry with a poisonous tongue, and this did not help my cause. The reactions of e.g. my brother and mother were a direct result of them picking up on my energy and giving me exactly what my energy/belief was reflecting ie Second Best.

11/6/24 My daughter Jennifer contacted me at 10pm. She was extremely upset, I won’t go into details as that is her story, but it’s a similar story that has been playing out throughout her life, but the stakes just keep getting larger. I listened and then started saying “It’s generational childhood trauma”. She was cranky at me for talking spiritual stuff again, because on the face of it, it had nothing to do with her current problem.

She calmed down when I said the trauma came from me and that it was not her fault. I said “if you don’t look at this, the stakes will just get higher and higher and things will get worse and worse”. For us all, the lessons start small, but if you don’t get it, they take a break, and come back a bit bigger. If you don’t get it again, they come back a bit bigger. It’s like a spiral going up and broadening as it does, you keep revisiting what you have not mastered, and the lessons get bigger with each loop.

I asked her if she wanted me to draw her a card and she agreed. I drew Card 29, from Alana Fairchild Kali Oracle. Part of the card said:

“The problem of receiving grace is never with the source of it. By its nature, grace flows with generosity, so needing to earn or deserve it goes against the very nature of grace itself. However, we can struggle to be open to it and have a subconscious resistance to receiving. Intellectually, we may know that we are worthy of being helped, and even that others will also benefit when we are flourishing, so that grace brings multiple benefits to all. Yet, we can still be more attached to the difficulty than the resolution. Why is that? We cannot underestimate the influence of belief systems created in response to childhood trauma, and the impact these unchecked beliefs can have in our adult lives. The beauty is that Kali will not only help us identify where we have our blocks, she will also liberate the soul by providing us with a choice. We can allow her to consume those past traumas, relieving the soul of karmic burdens.”

17/7/24 Since this time, and what I have uncovered, I have found myself less reactive in so many situations. This is a work in progress, however I feel I am on track and I'm getting closer to my goal of good health. As the card says, “we cannot underestimate the influence of belief systems created in response to childhood trauma”. I am pleased that I was able to uncover the story, but this is not always possible. We are lucky that we do not require the story. There are many methods to uncover your limiting belief systems, and the patterns that have been passed down generationally. The first is to look at your language in heated situations. This gives you a clue as to what you need to be working on. I looked at mine, after uncovering this, and realised I was saying to my brother “YOU ARE NOT THE CHOSEN ONE”. You can work on these belief systems with practitioners or by yourself. One method, which I am embracing, is PSYCH-K™  (watch Bruce Lipton, Biology of Belief, Part 1 and Part 2 for information – on YouTube).

This is the shadow work that we knew we would have to do when coming here. We often fear it because we feel that there is something wrong with us; that we want to hide those parts of us that are less than perfect; we justify our positions continually and lash out at others; we can also berate ourselves and judge ourselves harshly; we often push it down and pretend it doesn't exist. It does exist! It is there! It will continue to resurface again and again, causing havoc in our lives. We have the power to look at our shadows, and release them all, whether they be generational in nature or not.

Embrace the darkness so that you can continually come back to the light. You are a being of light, you are nothing but perfect! God, Source, Universe does not make mistakes! The only things holding us back from complete connection, are the unresolved shadows which dim our light, and not understanding who we truly are. Look at your shadows, keep looking again and again, because your way to peace is not in denying they exist, but embracing them, and understanding your true nature is that you are nothing but pure perfection.

Information on the my generational trauma. Mark Wolynn’s book goes through 11 questions to ask, in relation to the “interrupted bond trauma” (again there are other trauma’s the book references so I would highly recommend getting the book). My family (first born female in the female line) answers 10 out of the 11 possible questions. Here are a few of our answers:

My Great Grandmother to My Nana

Question from Book: “Was your mother's attention pulled to a trauma involving one or of your siblings, a late miscarriage, or still birth, or death, a medical emergency etc”

Answer: Nana was born in 1919, before her birth her mother had a child that died at 6 months old. The story was that he cut all his teeth in one night and died.

My Nana to My Mother

Question from Book: “Was your mother's attention pulled to a trauma involving one or of your siblings, a late miscarriage, or still birth, or death, a medical emergency etc”

Answer: “My auntie A, just under 4 years younger than my mother, became very sick with Whooping Cough at a very young age. For a very long time my mother was completely ignored, as the baby needed around the clock attention to keep her alive. This was told to me by my Aunty P on 10/6/24. My mother subsequently got attention throughout her life from her illnesses, showing major hypochondriac tendencies, until dementia took her faculties from her.

My Mother to Me

Question from Book: “Were you separated from your mother shortly after birth?”

Answer: I was left for 3 weeks at 3 weeks old, with Nana, while mum went on holidays camping with my brother and father.

Me to My Daughter

Question from Book: “Where you, or your mother, ever hospitalised and forced to be apart, maybe you spent time in an incubator……?

Answer: My daughter was born 6 weeks early (they thought it was 3 weeks, but when she came out, they advised it was closer to 6 weeks early). I could not hold her for days as she was in incubator, I lost it completely after a few days, uncontrollable crying, and they let me hold her. Jennifer was in hospital for weeks, she could not come home for Christmas, I recall it was January before she could come home (she was borne on 19/12/95).

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So there you have it, my heart on my sleeve, sharing very personal information with you. My only desire is that you look at your own patterns and triggers and uncover what limiting beliefs you have playing out in your life….. and heal them! Below is information on the energetic/emotional causes of my conditions from websites I have seen - it all aligns.

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Acupuncture Today Website - Psycho-Emotional Roots of Cancer: “Breast = Separation Conflict” for full article see: Acupuncture Today Article

German New Medicine - Connective Tissue (ie Scleroderma is a Collagen / Connective Tissue Condition) “The biological conflict linked to the connective tissue is a light self-devaluation conflict or loss of self-worth…..Scleroderma around the lips reveals that the self-devaluation conflict was associated with the mouth area…..” for full document see: Learning German New Medicine Article

Dietrich Klinghardt Article: “The matrix is the space between the cells - the area in the body that includes the blood vessels, lymphatic vessels, autonomic nerves, fibroblasts, collagen, elastin, glucosaminoglycans, proteoglycans, cell membranes of neighboring cells, cells of the immune system, and nutrients. The matrix is where nutrients and information-carrying substances move into the cells and toxins move out of the cells. As a whole, it is a significant storage site for toxins in the body. Psychologically, the matrix is related to unresolved emotional conflicts with the mother.” for full article see: The Free Library

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I would like to thank my mother and brother for helping me co-create this story and, through conflict, being able to uncover the limiting beliefs that were not serving me.

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